Have you ever met someone and felt that electric spark—a rush of excitement, energy, and attraction that feels almost like a drug? For me, this intense attraction triggers a familiar cycle. The moment I’m interested in someone, my mind lights up, and I dive into a world of idealized futures, imagined conversations, and an almost constant need to connect. It’s exhilarating, but it also comes with a price: a pattern that has left me feeling empty, drained, and, often, alone.
For a long time, I thought this intensity was just part of falling in love. But through self-reflection, I realized this cycle was rooted in a specific attachment pattern: anxious attachment. I’d unknowingly built a response to relationships that was based on my deepest fears and unmet needs, leaving me with the same painful outcome each time. But this wasn’t the only type of attachment pattern—there are others, and understanding them has helped me start to reshape how I approach love and connection.
Understanding Attachment Patterns
Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby, explains how our earliest relationships with caregivers shape the way we connect with others as adults. There are four primary attachment styles, each with its own dynamics and patterns:
1. Secure Attachment: People with secure attachment typically feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, creating healthy and balanced relationships. They can communicate openly, set boundaries, and manage conflict constructively.
2. Anxious Attachment: People with an anxious attachment style, like myself, often fear abandonment and crave closeness to feel secure. They may give a lot of themselves in relationships, sometimes at the expense of their own needs, and tend to be preoccupied with their partner’s feelings and behaviors.
3. Avoidant Attachment: Avoidant individuals value independence and can find intimacy challenging. They may avoid closeness, feel uncomfortable with emotional expression, and can appear distant in relationships, often pulling away when things get too intense.
4. Fearful-Avoidant (or Disorganized) Attachment: People with a fearful-avoidant style have conflicting desires for closeness and distance. They may seek connection but feel distrustful or afraid of intimacy, resulting in push-pull dynamics in relationships.
By identifying our attachment style, we gain insight into why we behave the way we do in relationships. For me, anxious attachment has shaped my love life in profound ways, often leading to cycles of self-sacrifice, intense emotional highs, and deep disappointments.
My Anxious Attachment Pattern: Chasing Security
Every time I felt that rare spark of attraction, I would jump in wholeheartedly, convinced that this connection was special, even rare. But this intensity went beyond simple attraction. I was making myself fully available, often putting my needs and desires on hold to prioritize the other person. I gave myself fully in an attempt to create a bond that would last, hoping that my commitment would make me indispensable. This pattern was born out of my anxious attachment, driven by a fear of abandonment and a deep need for reassurance.
Anxious attachment often fuels a need to feel “needed” by others, which can lead to over-giving, constant checking-in, or a preoccupation with the other person’s behavior. This resonated strongly with my past. As a child, I’d had friendships where people disappeared from my life unexpectedly, leaving me feeling abandoned and unworthy. This fear followed me into adulthood, and in each romantic relationship, I found myself trying to be “perfect,” holding back my own needs and giving all I could to keep the connection secure.
The Costs of Self-Sacrifice
While this giving felt natural to me, I began to notice a pattern—one that was exhausting and unsustainable. Each relationship ended similarly: I’d pour myself into it, only to end up feeling drained and empty. I wasn’t being authentic; I was prioritizing their needs over my own to avoid conflict or distance, which made it difficult for true intimacy to grow.
By prioritizing others’ needs, I had hoped to maintain closeness, but it ultimately prevented me from fully connecting. Without expressing my full self, my relationships were built on a foundation of self-sacrifice, not authenticity. Ironically, my attempts to create security only pushed me further from it, leading to the very outcome I feared: an ending without closure, reinforcing my belief that I was somehow “not enough.”
Breaking Free from Anxious Attachment
The first step to changing these patterns was recognizing them. Once I could see that anxious attachment was influencing my behaviors, I began to understand how much of this was a learned response to past wounds. I also began to see that the rush of attraction—the “high” I chased—was my brain’s way of trying to create safety and closeness as quickly as possible, to soothe that fear of abandonment.
Letting go of this pattern has been challenging. It’s required me to sit with the discomfort of the unknown, without seeking immediate reassurance or control. I’m practicing being present with my own feelings and needs, even if that means risking vulnerability or possible rejection.
Practicing Self-Closure and Forgiveness
Without closure from past relationships, I’ve learned to create it for myself. Practicing self-forgiveness has been an essential part of this process. Here’s a small exercise I’ve found helpful:
1. Acknowledge the Pain: I start by naming the emotions that come up—sadness, confusion, even anger. Allowing myself to feel without judgment helps me validate these emotions and understand they’re part of the healing process.
2. Release Self-Blame: I remind myself that I acted in the best way I knew how at the time. Repeating affirmations like, “I release the need to hold myself responsible for what was beyond my control,” has helped me shift my mindset.
3. Forgive Without Needing Closure: I recognize that closure doesn’t need to come from the other person. Saying, “I forgive myself and the other person, not because everything was right, but because I deserve peace,” gives me the freedom to let go of unresolved feelings.
4. Practice Detachment: When I feel myself getting caught up in old patterns, I bring myself back to the present, reminding myself that love can grow without needing to control or predict the future.
Moving Forward with Awareness
Through recognizing and understanding anxious attachment, I’m learning to approach relationships with a focus on balance rather than intensity, to stay present with my emotions rather than diving headfirst. It’s an ongoing journey, but each step brings me closer to a sense of wholeness and self-acceptance.
If this resonates with you, consider exploring your own attachment style. Understanding whether you have an anxious, avoidant, secure, or fearful-avoidant attachment can offer valuable insights. These patterns are often born out of deep-seated fears and past wounds, and it takes time to unlearn them. By recognizing behaviors, questioning where they come from, and practicing self-compassion, we can start to create space for healthier, more fulfilling connections.
This is just the beginning. As I continue on this journey, I hope to share more insights in future posts about past wounds, self-forgiveness, and finding peace in the unknown. For now, I invite you to join me in observing your own patterns with curiosity and kindness. Sometimes, simply being aware is the most powerful step toward change.
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